I never again want to be grateful for the receipt of Cs. Perhaps disturbingly, I’m less bothered by the hair.

In that following week, the break between terms, I came to a conclusion: I will not apply to graduate school for 2009.

I went to bed on that Thursday, the 23rd, having processed the fact that I was not happy and would not be happy any time soon if I don’t alter course. I woke up on Friday the 24th having decided somewhen in my sleep that I’d not apply for next year, not even to the U.K. as I’d planned. Friday was exceedingly peaceful. By the time I’d gone to bed that night I’d budgeted plans for various regions in the States, scouted the apartment market in several cities, selected furniture from IKEA, decided on a deep-concealment firearm, investigated the job market in teaching, publishing, and general office-ness, and developed a ridiculous excitement about the intention to live a normal and boring life for one academic year.

Reality set in on Sunday, of course: I still have 2.5 semesters left in my current M.A. program. I enjoy most of the material… it’s the doing of it which I despise. That’s much of what has me concerned, ultimately. I could be digging through the correspondence of late eighteenth-century America and would still feel burdened by the necessity of it.

Thus, a vacation from my chosen vocation. I’ll stay here in Bolivia through August of 2009. I’ll spend the summer months studying for the LSAT. I’ll return to the States and take the LSAT and make my applications. I’ll then spend the next year in whatever “normal” job or three I can find.

The task at hand, however, is to wrap up all of my assorted loose ends and excel in this last year before a much-needed gap.

… then it existed in the form of Cranford.

My big boxes full of textbooks (half of which are bigger than the Bible, thank you.) arrived four weeks into an eight week graduate course. My first bona fide graduate course (nearly half of my Missouri State classes were 500s, but it’s not the same). My first course, period, in theological studies which is not my usual field of Early American Republic history, no matter how closely related they may be. Theology is a different world. Meanwhile, and this is quite the confession, as a minister’s daughter I seem to have a Pavlovian response: sleep.

That sounds dreadful. My father is, without question, the most gifted teacher and speaker whom I have encountered. It’s not his fault, this response. But one cannot describe the endless mass of preachers who haven’t skill at preaching, the teachers who haven’t a gift for teaching, and the speakers who can barely speak – nevermind perform. In university this wasn’t a problem for me. Now, suddenly, I’m watching DVDs of a bland speaker discussing something God-esque and I feel like I did as a teenager listening to some random preacher and thinking, “ah, yes. This would be such-and-such outline I heard when I was eleven. Snore.”

No matter that the material is interesting. No matter that Intertestamental Judaism, particularly under Ezra/Nehemiah, is ridiculously fascinating. It’s Pavlov, man.

Nevertheless, to the right of my desk is Cranford, perched impatiently on my bookshelf. Judi Dench and Imelda Staunton are staring at me from the cover. Nineteenth century BritLit! Gaskell of North and South! Staunton. Dench. Atkins. Gambon. All on my bookshelf, waiting for all of my studies to be thoroughly caught up so that I can watch it a free mind and spirit. With special features.

and so I continue studying as fast and as thoroughly as I can, trying to ignore the abject terror of how dreadfully behind I really am. This was not how I wanted to begin grad school.

I’m trying to be careful about sounding too important… what I’m doing is very, very minor. But! I am incredibly jazzed and giddy about this whole project. So if I make it sound like a big deal, it’s not, but it is.

This is my pet project at the Lab. I do grunt work, learn the work bit by bit… I’m having a great deal of fun. I clean and analyze the artifact samples brought from the site. Analysis is pretty low-key, given my utter lack of knowledge and experience… so I read books, ask questions, and research.

I love research.

I came home, didn’t want to be bored so I went back out and biked a couple of miles, came home, cleaned the house, did Spanish homework, watched Much Ado About Nothing, spoke with Kristin, went to sleep. Sunday, I went to church (I’m joining next Sunday morning), did a little homework (not enough), went back to church, came home…

I need to have more productive days like Saturday.

Also! Jess found my cellphone! It’s been missing for days and I was highly distressed. When I was watching Much Ado, my couch cushion started vibrating… and it was Jess! on my cell phone.

A little wacky, but whatever works.

Meanwhile… I am headed into Serious Academic Mode.

The Nov. 5 article “Students Show Strong Support for Democrats” provides biased perspective of the recent election results. Local statistics are provided and are valuable, but do not show that students led the precincts in support of Kerry.

SMSU is within one of Springfield’s urban centers. Urban communities show a tendency to favor the Democratic Party. The CNN exit polls list the results amongst voters ages 18-29 as 45%/54% in Kerry’s favor. These same polls list the results amongst urban communities as 45%/54% in Kerry’s favor. This is a single example that shows the frailty of statistics provided without comparative context. Dr. Patrick Scott’s quotations attempted to provide some additional context, but these were imbalanced by the hint of political bias.

School is a catalyst for the liberalization of belief. However, literal liberalization can take economic, social or philosophic forms. Simplified, belief in economic freedom leads to a preference for the Republican Party, while social freedom leads to a preference for the Democratic Party.

My own liberalization is of a philosophic form that demands freedom in both areas, and I thus prefer the Libertarian Party. Scott’s statements suggest that the removal of ignorance “goes hand in hand” with the Democratic Party. This is a biased statement that suggests another possibility. The modern academic community is notorious for a preference towards the Democratic Party. Perhaps classroom indoctrination, and not liberalization, has influenced student voting behavior. Comparative context is necessary for the responsible presentation of statistics, and our students deserve responsible journalism.

I’m spending this evening reading the textbook and reviewing these notes. I’ll do the same all evening tomorrow. Thursday, I’m going to try to spend the entire day at the history conference – I’m excited. This is the first conference within my field that I’ve attended. Four 2 hour lectures/discussions each day! More on Saturday, I think. The hotel is only a few blocks from my apartment, making it all the better. The difficult task will be selecting which lecture I want to go within each time block.

I’d be bouncy if it weren’t for that bloody test.

I spent an extra two hours at the Archaeology center to make up for this next Thursday and Tuesday that I won’t be there (conference and in Arkansas, respectively). Today was spent re-archiving artifacts from Ecuador and Mexico into acid-free materials. Apparently the tooth-and-spit question isn’t quite so off limits after all… my supervisor insisted that I play the three-tone whistle for her.

I was working on this problem regarding the proper writ of common law to apply to a 13th Century case, and the obvious answer seemed wrong. I went to the professor, and he confirmed the obvious answer. I came back downstairs and began to research.

It’s not the obvious answer. The books were off, the professor (bless him) hadn’t noticed. I’ve found the answer. and a few minutes ago I realized that I was having a lot of fun. This took a moment to figure out. but.

I actually love research.

golly gee.

—

Once again I am virtually mocking you. You’re starting to sound like Katherine now. . . Dear Katherine, Here are the things you must do before you go to bed tonight.

Posted by Kristin @ 09/09/2004 11:26 AM CST

Interestingly, Lorien has long had you fooled. Whilst I have assisted in K-List Mockage, I have secretly conducted such notes to self for many a year.

I just knew better than to leave my notes on random tables.

Posted by Lor @ 09/09/2004 06:04 PM CST

I always suspected that you were bluffing.

Posted by Kristin @ 09/10/2004 09:05 AM CST

My scholarly urges are working. I like libraries. I like books. I love my fields.

When I am thirty, I will have a Ph.D. I will have lived and studied in multiple countries. I will be multi-lingual. I will have either been published, or be in the process of publishing. I will have a reasonable voice with which to speak my mission.

I have full confidence in my ability to reach that goal, and so the process is down to a continual decision to remain on path. If I remain on that path, I will experience no unsurmountable obstacles.

My scholarly urges are working because I can view that vague future-framework and get giddy-bouncy about my life. How great is it to be able to realistically and pragmatically get giddy-bouncy over eventually turning thirty?

—

Yes, dear, you are being a dork. . . and I am insanely jealous of you right now.

Posted by Kristin @ 09/07/2004 10:22 PM CST

but, see, in a few years I’ll be smack dab in the middle of my quarterlife crisis, and we’ll be even.

Posted by Lor @ 09/07/2004 10:58 PM CST

Are you saying that I am having a quarterlife crisis?

Posted by Kristin @ 09/08/2004 10:36 AM CST

Yes.

An old friend’s sister wrote this book about it. Mediocre book, but a good intro discussion into the phenomenon that people have known about for ages and haven’t actually researched. My mom had hers, and it was the Big Life Turning Point, so I’ve grown up expecting and preparing for the twentysomething curse.

Anyway, it’s this:
You go to college, get your degree, maybe get a job or just stick with your old campus job… flounder and wonder “Okay, now what?” within that inbetween of college and career/family. Questions of, do I get married? if I get married, then to whom? Do I get a job? okay, HOW? Do I go back to graduate school? How do I pay for it, what should I study?

Yes, dearie, you’re a classic QLC case.

Posted by Lor @ 09/08/2004 06:08 PM CST

OH, also. expression of annoyance: another old friend borrowed the book three years ago, and I haven’t seen it since! argh! I’d like to have it for sentimental reasons, at least.

Posted by Lor @ 09/08/2004 06:09 PM CST

I have decided that it’s time to choose who I’m going to be. I am not brilliant, I am not particularly pretty, my wit does not sparkle and when I sing I am only passable. I have willfully held myself in limbo. This much-abbreviated list of things in which I am one or two steps above mediocrity is entirely flexible. I have the capacity to be brilliant, and so on. Therefore, it’s time to become so. I’ve long since decided to pursue a doctorate. Somewhere in the past while I’ve had a sneaking desire to run off to Oxford or somesuch. My studies are not prepared for this level of diligence. Conclusions made, I must become a scholar. I already love to know – now I must love to learn.