How Could I Tell Her No?

After posting an ad to Craigslist in search of an apartment for the month of April, I received several responses. I average 3-4 responses every few days. Most are normal but don’t quite fit the bill, and one or two are good candidates for further consideration. My ad is very simple and states clearly what I’m looking for – and people either make a suitable offer or they don’t. Easy!

My advertisement:

Subject:$450 April Bedroom Needed in Alexandria:
I am a female graduate student temporarily relocating to the D.C. area. I am a non-smoker with no pets (but I like animals and don’t mind them at all if you have them). I have one compact car and great references.

I need:
– a room (small, unfurnished, spartan is fine!)
– parking for one small car and one standard bicycle
– monthly or weekly rent (affordability is critical, but the amount is negotiable)
– location is negotiable
– utilities included
– straight-forward, polite, no drama, no games. Simplicity is best!

I’m a professional organizer and academic tutor. I will happily exchange organizational help, tutoring, and/or babysitting assistance in exchange for reduced rent.

Today I received the best response that I have received… ever. To anything. Ever. It’s so good that you THINK it’s spam, but no. It isn’t.

From “Your Addiction Shady”:

first google the area , get a satelite picture skyland apts [redacted] dc 20020
live with kids but no biggie

april is a bit soon for since i have a roommate moving out, i will let him kno that id u are my kind of girl, he gots to go but out of courtesty may 1st or april 29th
i hope that is ok, i would love to have u call me or meet for dinner or lunch

I only need a room during April!

im 25 female, single rents due between the 1st and 9th each month 550

I specified $450!

but i noticed u said u have skills and thats great, i have males come during the days only to clean the house, at lease twice a month at the most twice a week, in the event its an off month for me i will take 50 off the rent, for keeping dishes clean and the bathroom tub cleaned out, though i take mostly showers and only cook once a week at the most, unless i bake!!!

“organizational help” isn’t cleaning dishes or scrubbing bathtubs. If she has “males” come to clean, why would she want me?

when the males come to clean i may need u to stay in your room or not b home but there are normally here between 2-6 hours no longer and i am very considerate of your time to scheduling texting and communication i think is key

uh. 2-6 hours of cleaning? What are they cleaning? Why can’t I be around?

i smoke (420) no cigarrets inside, unless u can cover it up reallllllly well(inscence, candles lysol, frebreeze), i have 2nd hand smoke and it bothers my chest

I am so confused. You smoke weed but are hurt by smoke unless it’s covered up? What? whatwhat?

no kids allowed (except visiting is fine)
small room with tv basic cable and internet the home phone is for emergencies only but usable

major issue i am a phone sex operator is that doenst bother u we are perfect

… are the “males” coming to CLEAN or to … ?

id prefer a call if u want more info at [redacted] whenever is good for u, this month or next jus let me kno if u like

I don’t even know how to tell her how much of a no this is. I feel like I should meet her just to try to help her get her head on straight.


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Dee March 22, 2012 Reply

To be fair, your ad is not so clear on it being for one month (it appears to state you need it starting in April) and you did say that the rent was negotiable.

“Subject:$450 April Bedroom Needed in Alexandria:”

“– monthly or weekly rent (afford­abil­ity is crit­i­cal, but the amount is nego­tiable)”

Lorien March 23, 2012 Reply

True… but, c'mon. The price is hardly the most interesting thing about the response to my ad! 🙂

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