I discovered a Biblical passage that is quite likely my favorite – note that this is something that I have never said before. I don’t get into favorites, and have never understood that ooshy-gooshy Life Verse(!) blather. Well, here you go.
“The Lord says, ‘Then I will heal you of your idolatry and faithlessness, and my love will know no bounds, for my anger will be gone forever! I will be to Israel like a refreshing dew from heaven. It will blossom like the lily; it will send roots deep into the soil like the cedars in Lebanon. Its branches will spread out like those of beautiful olive trees, as fragrant as the cedar forests of Lebanon. My people will return again to the safety of their land. They will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines. They will be as fragrant as the wines of Lebanon. Oh Israel, stay away from idols! I am the one who looks after you and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green, giving my fruit to you all through the year.”
And now… the exposition.
I’ve described before that my Big Issue has been surrender. What, Lorien, Stubborn?! Right. This process and battle has manifested itself in my life in a variety of significant ways, and I’ve recently acknowledged that depression has been the ultimate result. Hypocrisy in life and the resulting tangible distance from God will naturally lead to such a state. I have been undergoing the most severe period of this depression in the past few months.
I’ve been told that people have to hit a breaking point before they can truly cave in and surrender. This is possibly true, and is certainly logical within its context. Having evaluated the events of my life, my own actions and their consequences (or the threat of consequences, in many cases), I have determined that I don’t wish to hit that breaking point. Frankly, I cannot imagine breaking. The few situations that I can imagine coming close to doing so involve the loss of my family – that’s a path I’m not willing to risk. Therefore… it’s time for me to deal without begging for the worst of consequences.
The thing is, I’m really just tired of being on a precipice. Balance is tiresome and this particular stance is simply not healthy. What I really, really want is refreshing dew. Cedar makes me happy. Blossoming grapevines and lilies and fragrant wine… that’s what I want my spirit to feel. Depression is ultimately a choice and a claim.
I need that dew of forgiveness and the fragrance of joy. I acknowledge the woman that I currently am, and I choose to adapt into the woman that I am capable of being.